What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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