Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
