Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
