i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
