My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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