In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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