If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Randomize
