Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I FOUND THE LEGS
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
