Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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