I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
