Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
