My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
