did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize
