You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize