You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
