she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
