ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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