dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Boobs are out for the taking
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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