his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
