my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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