i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
