I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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