I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
