youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
