Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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