i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
organizing the empties. That sober.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
