oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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