i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
