My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
