o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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