He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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