The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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