She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
