i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
