i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
