If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
