cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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