i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
why do cheetos always look like penises
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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