I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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