Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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