no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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