Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You are a genius and a whore.
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