He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
