so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
