Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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