i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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