I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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