I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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