We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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