Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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