Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
i need some magic done to my vagina
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
