Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
