Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
