im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
