Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
