There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize