the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
