I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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