is your mom at the bar?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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