i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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