I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
