I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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