If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
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Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."