the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
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You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
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We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.