those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"