people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.